I have cancer...
That was my fleeting thought when I heard the words, NO one wants to hear. Then, my life flashed before my eyes..in what I thought was slow motion. I think it was just me and my heart stopping, or I stopped breathing. I can't remember which, or if was both. After, I just remember sobbing! WTF do I do now!? How do I tell my family!? Do I even tell them!? I HAVE to... they are going to know! It was all just a bad dream...I WILL wake up from, right!? So MANY questions and so few answers. My life came to a screeching halt!! Have you ever felt like you had fallen down a deep well? You can see the light, but it seems SO far away! Do I even have the energy to climb my way out. This was my thought process once I heard the words you have pancreatic cancer.
Physically, my body was frail and my spirit had been gut punched (literally). I weighed a mere 100 lbs soaking wet. I was a shell of my former self, who was always active in sports. No energy, my will to survive had been beaten down with the diagnosis of 6 months to live. I was in search of something..to help ease the anxiety of facing my own mortality. THIS scared me to death! I just knew I could not spend my days filled with anxiety..and counting down the days till my demise.
I woke up, one morning, about a week later, with a renewed sense of HOPE. I'm not sure where it came from, it felt like it was divine intervention. I began to read the book, "The Cancer Conqueror", that morning. I finished in in a little under 2 hours and felt my spirits being lifted with every word I read. A sense of strength and confidence was starting to fill me....I CAN really do this! I'm 40...its time to take MY stand! I'M going to beat this beast called pancreatic cancer.
The next book I started, that day, was the "Power of Now" it was a much harder read for me, I had to reread parts over several times. I really NEEDED to make sure I understand this book...and how to keep me in the now. I didn't want to MISS a single moment of life...or take ANYTHING for granted. For the first time in my adult life...I felt ALIVE and it was a cancer diagnosis the opened my eyes.